THE FUTURE IS HERE

Finally we can shave our faces! Gilette has responded in their arms race with Schick and released a 5 blade razor. Here's the problem. There's this team at Gilette called the 'shaving technology group' and they're fucking awesome. But about 10 years ago they released the perfect razor - the Mach 3. The bosses at Gillette should have announced, "finally, the ultimate razor" and fired the entire team. But instead, they kept the team around and they had to keep finding problems to solve. They're like, "some people like red razors" and so they spent a year and created the ultimate red mach 3. Then what to do next? Well the electronics industry is always a buzz, so why don't we cross our razor with electronics and stuff batteries in it? And voila! The Mach 3 Turbo was born. A razor that takes batteries, just for the sake of taking batteries. Well it wasn't too long after that, some manager asked them what they were working on and they needed to come up with something or else they would all be shitcanned and have to work at McDonald's as pickle applicators in the huge assembly line of hamburgers. There's the bun guy, he's at the very beginning, and he pulls the buns out of the bag. It's pretty easy but he needs to stay alert since some buns require sesame seeds and some do not, and the sesame seed buns come from a different bag. Plus don't forget the big mac. It requires three bun parts! How ridiculous. That's probably 'cause the guy at McDonalds in charge of bun technology wasn't ever fired once he came up with his sesame seed idea, and he needed a new project. Well it's pretty hard to outdo sesame seeds, but one day his manager came by and asked what he was working on and he said it was going to be awesome! And well the Big Mac is a pretty kickass sandwich. So after he came up with the three bun thing that guy was demoted and he had to go work in the next part of the burger assembly line, the shredded lettuce station. After him, there's Stacy, she does the ketchup and onions. Originally she didn't have to do the onions 'cause there was somebody else for that, but he quit when he got hired by Gilette to work on their 'technology group'. So ketchup is totally an easy task. Nobody ever says 'no ketchup' when they order a burger. There's people like Kevin Maltby who are like, "no tomato". And there's people like Jonathan Feldstein (416-525-2109) who is all like "no mayonaise!" Well anyway everybody wants ketchup. Onions is easy too, but sometimes you gotta watch the screen 'cause it'll say no onions and you'll be in the rhythm and put onions on it and then look at the screen and see there's supposed to be no onions and then you have two choices. You can either use your left hand and wipe the onions off, or you can use your right hand and pour way more ketchup on and completely cover the onions, and hope that whoever eats this burger doesn't notice 'cause the ketchup taste is way too overpowering. Now Stacy used to work beside three fine young Spanish guys whose names I can't recall at the moment, but unfortunately for them they were hanging one night playing Playstation 2 and drinking Mountain Dew. Then somehow they decided that it would be cool to stop playing Playstation 2 and go and meet hot ladies so they each went to their respective homes to tidy themselves up. They each found their cleanest t-shirt, applied cologne and then just on the way out the door saw themselves in the mirror and decided to shave. Since they were in a hurry they failed to recognize the potential danger presented by their brand new Gillette Fusion razors. So completely independently but simultaneously, all three spanish fellows managed to cut a sizable gash in their neck with their extremely sharp new shaving tools. The cut then started to bleed profusely and within moments there were three dead young men in three bathrooms of their three homes. The moral of this story is that if you have a 5-blade razor, be careful - It's a gillotine on a stick!