Slacker 2003 Draft

Well it's 2003, and that means it's time for our SLACKER SOUND SISTIMS 2003 draft. Here's how it works:

Pick someone from swank.ca that sucks.

Think about why swank.ca should want you instead of this person. Focus on how and why they suck, and why you are cool.

Send an email to Jesse detailing this. Be sure to provide graphic detail about the swank.ca castmember's flaws, and also why you're good too!

We'll pick a winning entry (or maybe two!) The shitty swank.ca castmember will be violently ejected from the Internet and the winner will take their place. This includes a pretty swank.ca face, posting rights and an @swank.ca email address - the works!

Contest entries will be posted as they arrive. All entries must be in by the draft date - January 31, 2003. Good luck to all entrants and current swank.ca cast!

Update: The contest is over. The winner is Allene Chernick and the runner-up is Steven Turne. We would like to thank everyone who lost.

FROMJesse Wilson
DATE:Sun, 2 Feb 2003 22:27:45 -0500
TO:Andrew Mills, Allison Bullock
SUBJECT:SLACKER 2003 DRAFT

Dear Andrew Mills and Allison Bullock:

I regret to inform you that you have been
selected as a winner in this year's
SLACKER draft.

SLACKER SOUND SISTIMS has to
constantly evaluate how it is being
represented on its Internet website,
and unfortunately our clientele has
found you are not aligned with what
they are looking for in a fake record
company's website goons.

This does not mean you are a bad
person - it only means that the minority
of people who use the Internet have
failed to be entertained by your
shallow and incoherent commentary.

You may be pacified by the fact that we
have prepared excellent parting gifts for
you:

Allison: as the person with the shortest
lifetime on swank.ca, we would like to
honour your time with us with a track of
your choosing on the soon to be announced
SWANK TRAX 2003.

Andrew: as the person who brings me
the most fear when I sleep at night, we
would like to honour you by giving you
the rights to post on our new website
"swank.ca" which will be launched on
March 1st, 2003.

Thank you again for your dedication and
devotion to SLACKER SOUND SISTIMS.

Jesse Wilson,
SLACKER 2003 DRAFT contest manager,
SLACKER SOUND SISTIMS


FROMJesse Wilson
DATE:Sun, 2 Feb 2003 22:27:47 -0500
TO:Steven Turne, Allene Chernick
SUBJECT:SLACKER 2003 DRAFT

Dear Steven Turne and Allene Chernick:

I am happy to inform you that you have
been selected as a winner in this year's
SLACKER draft.

With your wise advice SLACKER SOUND
SISTIMS has pruned its organization
of two unsatisfactory representatives
from our website, swank.ca.

You have saved yourselves and the online
public from the pain and suffering of
scrolling over posts from Allison Bullock
and Andrew Mills.

For this noble and courageous action,
you will be rewarded to the best of
our abilities:

Allene: as the winner of the contest and
the person who accurately referred to
myself as 'sexalicious' we are granting
you posting privileges on our website,
swank.ca. This includes a cartoon-face
and an email address. Please contact
me if you would like such an address,
my recommendation is allene@swank.ca.

Steven: as the runner-up in the contest
you will be granted temporary posting
privileges on our website. Such privileges
will cease when we launch our new website
on March 1st, 2003.

Thank you for your interest and I look forward
to future contributions from you to SLACKER
SOUND SISTIMS.

Jesse Wilson,
SLACKER 2003 DRAFT contest manager,
SLACKER SOUND SISTIMS


FROM"Robbie Anderson"
DATE:Thu, 30 Jan 2003 21:18:28 +0000
TO:<jesse@swank.ca>
SUBJECT:SWANK.CA

   Well Jesse I am here to make a public announcement about who should be
kicked off Swan.ca. I have read your site everyday sometime 5 times a day. I
think you are doing a great job and host a very great site. But there is one
person that I would like to be kicked off Swak.ca and that is Colonel
Sanders! I mean what's his deal? Everytime he posts on your web site, he
pretends that it is me who wrote it. It's time to take the chicken man and
cut him up into little pieces and make popcorn chicken out of him. He is not
even a real character he’s a cartoon.

  Anyway I think that I Robbie "The Man "Anderson should be on swank.ca with
my own face, for several reasons.

1.I can cause shit!
2.I am from Saskatchewan born and raised
3.Shanon can post stuff about Canadian made products on Brian’s site
4. I’m a real slacker because only a hard worker would pass religious
studies 100
5.I like the Olsen twins and have many pictures of them
6.I enjoy long shits and can be very descriptive when I have to explain them
7.I can drink and drink and drink and keep getting drunker and drunker
without dying. Example the last three years of my life
8.Shanon is a girl and I know I can beat the shit outta her, with no
difficulties
9. Also if you do not put me up I will make you fuck 12 monkeys in the ear,
5 dogs in the mouth, 7 baby boys in the ass (under 2 months),and make you
eat the green cottage cheese coming outta my grandmas pussy.
(or at least that is what she tells me it is)

Anyway talk to you later

-Robbie" GREEN COTTAGE CHEEZE?"ANDERSON


FROM"Jodie Ashford"
DATE:Thu, 30 Jan 2003 17:43:14 +0000
TO:<jesse@swank.ca>
SUBJECT:put me in coach- SLACKER draft

Hey. I'm not a cs student, or a nerd.

And I don't live in a student ghetto, or eat kraft dinner, or own a beer
hat.

And I don't know Robbie, Mark, or Naomi from Regina, although I'm certain
they're really, really nice.

I have hills, not just flat land.

I speak English and French, NOT C++. and I pronounce it 'fuckin whitey', NOT
'gosh darn white person'.

I can proudly put off doing my homework until 45 minutes before it's due. I
believe in procrastination, NOT using my time wisely. DIVERSITY, NOT
assimilation, AND THAT THE POOPING REINDEER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE
ANIMAL.

A TOQUE IS A HAT THAT GRAHAM WEARS, A CHESTERFIELD IS MY COUCH THAT DRUNKEN
JESSE'S PASSED OUT ON, AND IT IS PRONOUCED 'MARIOKART' NOT 'MAYRIOKART',
'MARIOKART'!!!

WATERLLOO IS THE HOME OF PHILS! THE FIRST NATION OF WATERPOLO! AND THE BEST
PART OF NORTH AMERICA!

MY NAME IS JODIE AND I AM A SLACKER!!!!!!!!

Thank you.

by the way jesse, i think you should kick off one of the guys who never
posts... i mean, it's cool to be a SLACKER and put things off.... but even
the best SLACKER has to get to work sometime....

see you aroud
-jodie


FROMbrad from 77
DATE:Wed, 29 Jan 2003 18:56:02 -0500
TO:<jesse@swank.ca>
SUBJECT:slacker draft 2003

This may come as difficult news, but someone's gotta say it.

Ah, so it's draft time again huh? Time for new blood? no big surprize
considering the normal drivel you guys churn out.

First off, let me waste no more time, who do i think should go? the
answer is all of you. I mean come on, group of self respecting slackers
actually run their own website? Seeing as i hardly have the time to
waste on this i'll only aim for the cheap shots.

Robbie, shut the fuck up with the whole middle naming crap. it's
annoying, and you're not funny. I really don't care if you think Tuong
is a whiney little bitch. oh, and KFC = Kids like Robbie Fuck Kittens.

Tuong, stop being a whiny little bitch.

Allison, U2 is garbage. maybe someday they'll remember that they sucked
in the 80s and they still suck now.

Bryan, you're not ed the sock, and even though that's prolly a good
thing, it's not saving you. take a lesson from clay and relax, not
everything as to be all grown up.

Mills, make more sense dammit. i realize your lack of sentence
structure makes your claim to slackerdom more realistic than these
guys, but why the fuck should i have to work so hard just to understand
what you're mumbling?

now really, i hardly think i should be replacing any of you, cause
just look at all this work i've gone through for this. definitely way
more than you deserve but that's beside the point. but since we've
eliminated me as a possible replacement for the whole lot of you, what
possible conclusion can i come to? i quickly dismissed the first 5
names that came to mind just because i felt like it, but then i got to
thinking...

who should replace one of you pseudoslacker wannabe's? well.....
astroboy obviously.

now, don't be so quick to judge... there are a good number of reasons.

1- when was the last time astroboy even did anything? he's been out of
work for years.... this is definitely a start for the whole slacker
image.

2- check the guy's hair. that's just sweet.

3- he's got rocket boots. every group of friends needs someone with
rockets sticking out of their feet.

4- not only does he not bother wearing a shirt, but most of the time he
doesn't even bother with pants. this guy's got the right attitude.

now really, he's done all of this, as well as having a history of
fighting off evil doers and he's STILL a better slacker than you bunch
of pathetic wannabes. i think it's time for a complete re-haul of the
whole slacker roster, you guys just can't compare to this kind of utter
slackercoolness. so go home and cry. cause at least with astroboy
around we'll have someone to look up to.


-brad
---------------------
330417291599


FROM:"Shannon Sills"
DATE:Sun, 26 Jan 2003 22:18:55 +0000
TO:<jesse@swank.ca>
SUBJECT:Swank

Hi Jesse,

I am sending you an email regarding your contest. I actually don't think that you should kick anyone off. I just think you should add more people. Everyone brings a different perspective to Swank which always makes it fun to read. If you didn't have people like Alison and Ed stirring the pot then Swank would be boring and none of our slacker friends would ever bother to post.

Even though I don't want to kick anyone off, I would like to post on Swank. Here are the reasons why I think you should let me.

1) I know everyone from Waterloo and Regina who post on Swank.

2) I am one of the only legitimate connections between the two places as I have lived in Waterloo and now live in Regina.

4) I am very opinionated and like to stir the pot. Everyone already posts about things I say and do. Example: The debate about buying Canadian made products.

6) I am a true slacker as I rarely send emails or call my pals from the 'Loo. If I post then I can say what I am up to and everyone there can still remember me (as I am a fading memory).

7) I understand all the inside jokes from the Waterloo and Regina side.

8) I can be sad that Waterloo lost its student bar but still laugh because the U of R bar is still open.

9) I can burp the alphabet.

10) If you give me a posting face you won't ever have to hear any Edwina the Slipper postings as Ed the Sock.

11) I know more about Saskatchewan than anyone else (ie. my job last summer was to find out everything about the province for the 2005 Centennial celebrations).

12) I can outdrink and also beat up the Colonel. If you like I could videotape it.

13) And most importantly, if you don't let me post I will mail you a rotting emu testicle.

Shannon



FROM:steven turne
DATE:Sat, 25 Jan 2003 22:55:14 -0500 (EST)
TO:<jesse@swank.ca>
SUBJECT:so are you actually gonna do it?

I was glad to see that you put up my letter. I am also asking are you gonna do it. And what are my chances? If it helps my cause anyway i shall compare myself to this Mills guy:

While i may enjoy poo jokes, this mills likes to pack his poo.

This mills may have many stories of drunkness, you can at least understand my stories.

My diction is quite easy to read, Mills's dick don't work. (what the fuck is he a virgin or what)

I may not be one of the biggest drinkers, but i am good with the ladies and i have more fun fucking them then ranting to them.

Well i hope that this letter proves my hate for this Mills's guy. And you want to put me up on your great website.

Steven



FROM:steven turne
DATE:Thu, 23 Jan 2003 15:46:37 -0500 (EST)
TO:<jesse@swank.ca>
SUBJECT:get rid of that depressing fuck

I have been reading your website for quite a while. For I got to know it through graham. I appricate your witty remarks and relative lack of morals and i believe that you guys are great. Down to my point.

This guy mills:

He is boring

He is depressing

No one seems to like him

He makes absolutly no sense

Hell why are you even his friend

I think this guy is better friends with the invisible friends he has then you guys and i think those friends are gay.

So, at the very least, get rid of this guy he is bringing this site down in my eyes.

Steven Turne



FROM:"Sabrina *******"
DATE:Thu, 16 Jan 2003 23:28:03 +0000
TO:<jesse@swank.ca>
SUBJECT:2003 Draft!

Jesse,

Hello! As a faithful visitor to Swank.ca I have decided to take up the Slacker Draft Challenge. I believe Allison NEEDS to be kicked off. For various reasons:

  • So far it doesn’t seem like she’s felt passionately about the same stuff as anyone else SWANK

    Dramatis Personae

    If she’s going to prattle on about things she cares about but no one else SWANK does, why bother?? It’s a waste of valuable SWANK space which could be better spent on a) arguing abut things that matter or b) Porn

  • To quote Allene "She likes U2!" Need I say more??? (Thank you Allene!)
  • The Goth look isn’t really "in" right now. SORRY!!!!!!!!! I know they have Miss Goth Alberta .. Maybe you should try there???
  • She has NO confidence in herself. She emailed you (Jesse) saying she was going to be the first one kicked off (she was rite but that’s not the point) Women HAVE and ARE power. We are not pussies without confidence. We’re supposed to have confidence. That’s why we’re bitches.
  • It’s degrading to the rest of women to know that she represents us on Swank and posts opinions while the rest of us (who share NO similar opinions) cannot post.
  • She needs to pick someone new (Besides Britney) to degrade. Everyone knows what a whore Spears is its old news.
  • And most importantly. She is NOT from Saskatchewan. Even though you live in Waterloo, you are a true Westerner. She just couldn’t handle it nor does she cut it.

    So Jesse, now that I’ve pointed out Allison’s flaws, I think you should consider me because:

  • I was born in Regina, raised in small town Sask and now live in Saskatoon. I am 100% Saskatchewan.
  • I listen to a wide variety of music including rock/pop/alternative/punk/country/rap etc etc etc so I have a vast knowledge of the music world. However, I do not pretend to know everything and am always willing to listen. (I give a thumbs up to X-tina! She looks good in her new video.)
  • I love to have a good time! ie) nerf gun fights at your house, dancing all nite while YOU dj-ed at the Owl. Or partying ALL summer with Mark and Clay!
  • I would be a cuter cartoon than scary goth gurl!
  • I would be faithful to Swank.ca and not simply post once in awhile. I share similar opinions on certain things like the majority of the Slacker cast and unlike Allison, would not argue just for the sake of arguing (or until someone gave up because they just wanted me to shut up!)
  • I gave you the rest of my Sleeman when I found out it was your fave and you didn’t get any! AND I gave you a kiss on New Years!
  • I have confidence and don’t care what people think of me!
  • I am willing to try anything at least once.
  • I’m just cuter! J

    So just as Naomi has the honor of being the 1st gurl to post, let’s give Allison the ‘honor’ of being the 1st gurl to be booted.

    The tribe has spoken Allison. I’m sorry but it’s time to leave Swank. Please turn in your keyboard

    Thanx Jesse!!



    • FROM:"Allene Chernick"
    DATE:Wed, 15 Jan 2003 05:53:53 +0000
    TO:<jesse@swank.ca>
    SUBJECT:

    Me VS Allison
First let me start with her flaws
1. She thinks she's knows shit about music because she's benn in it for 11
years which means nothing I've been using a computer for years but I
couldn't do anything near what you (jesse) can ;)
2. She Likes U2 (enough said)
3. Three she and sock always have irritating long arguments that clutter up
the fun loving stuff which is what swank is made of.
4. She ate a baby once (I saw her)
5. She's not from Saskatchewan....come on we know that Saskatchewan is so
much better than Ontario
6. Her personae isn't her....she's not goth....just shitty....or bitchy All
of her posts bore me and cause annoyance
7. She also annoys other loyal swank readers such as the Wilson Family
8. She's not a punk rocking hippy
9. She's boring
10. She smells like cabage
11. She's never picked you up from the airport with moustached men the day
she got her wisdom teeth pulled and was suppose to stay at home in a Lazy
Boy
12. Last but not least (to keep it brief) she doesn't like porn I mean come
on who doesn't like nakedness I mean really

Now To Compare and talk about my coolness

1. I love music...though my taste is fairly selective I'll give anything a
chance and if I don't like it whatever I won't listen to it. I don't use my
musical education that I gained a Campbell as a weapon...I don't need to.
2. I don't like U2 though there are some songs I do enjoy as well as some
lyrics from songs I don't enjoy
3. I fight with sock because it's funny and well I'm aloud to be a jerk he's
my brother.
4. I have never eaten a baby only taken care of them and laughed when
they've peeeed on people
5. I was born a raised in Regina, Saskatchewan and now live in
Stoon....that's like 10 points right there
6. i am a punk rock hippy I'm even learning how to belly dance...I'm cool
7. the Wilson family loves me...I'm like one of them
8. i'm hardcore!!
9. I'm never boring and I like fart jokes and disgusting ones like this
"What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?" (you can
find out at the end of the email)
10. i do not smell like cabage...but like yummy citris fuits
11. Remember that time I picked you up from the airport?
12. Whhhooooooray for Porn!!!!

Plus you told me I could post on swank and I think you're very very
sexalicious, sextastic etc

Love Allene


    FROM:"Bryan Chernick"
    DATE:Wed, 15 Jan 2003 14:20:15 -0600
    TO:<jesse@swank.ca>
    SUBJECT:Get on swank contest

    Dear Mr. Wilson,

Hi, I'm Bryan Chernick.  You may remember me from such good times as the
nerf gun fight in your parents basement and suicide week 2001.  I read about
your contest and would like to enter.

I feel that you should kick off your fake "Ed the Sock."  Whoever that guy
is he isn't very funny (although he seems to think he is).  He only posts to
bitch, to promote MY website (but he seems to think it's his), and to
pretend he's me.  Frankly, I don't know how this sock knows me, but I'm
kinda freaked out that he wants my life so bad that he pretends to be me.

The sock is creepy and he's a jerk.  You should get rid of him!

You should then let me post.  I also am sometimes a jerk, but at least I'm
not creepy.

I realize that if you lose Ed you will no longer be able to trick people who
like the real ed into coming to your site, however, I think that is a good
thing.

In sumation:
Ed = creepy Bryan wannabe
Bryan = the real deal

Thank you for your consideration

Sincerely,

Bryan Chernick

PS - if you don't kick ed off please kick off one of the following people
(in no perticular order):
Clay
Colonel Sanders
Naomi
Tuong
Allison
Matt
Clay
Luke
Roar
Graham
Clay
Mark
Jesse
Kevin
Mills
Clay
Jono

or Clay


    FROM:acbulloc@fes.uwaterloo.ca
    DATE:Wed Jan 15, 2003 4:04:02 PM Canada/Eastern
    TO:jesse@swank.ca
    SUBJECT:Swank contest

    ..just reading up about this survivoresque contest on swank...

I would like to predict that, due to my persistent and misunderstood
love of
U2, I become the shortest lived participant in the history of Swank by
being
voted off first...come on, we all know its true, heh, heh, heh.

~Allison

PS How's life?