swank.ca

BUT TWENTY BUCKS BUYS A LOT OF MILKBONES

2008-11-29T22:41:00.001-08:00

BUT NOBODY READS SWANK.CA ANYWAY

2008-07-07T23:46:00.001-07:00

I just received the attached nastigram. They seem quite impressed with me and my mentoring of young people! I took down the image of course: copyright infringement is bad!

I'm awesome at MarioKart Wii

2008-05-03T21:42:00.001-07:00

Challenge me! Add my friend code, then call or IM or fax*.

1504-6092-1333

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHEESEBURGER SALESPEOPLE?

2008-02-01T22:32:00.000-08:00

First check-in on the Wilson vs. Anderson Don't Be a Fatass, Fatass weight loss competition...

The Ground Rules

Start weigh-in is on Jan 7, 2007 thru the finish weigh-in on Sept 5, 2007.

Whoever loses more raw pounds wins. Just like on TV, the Biggest Loser is the Winner.

The winner gets to pay for his awesome prize, a Vacation Gettaway to any destination he chooses!

The loser also receives, and pays for, the same great awesome vacation prize. But the loser doesn't get to pick the destination! Sucker!

Current Stats
Jesse weight as of Jan 7 - 246.8 pounds. Major fatass!
Jesse weigh in as of Feb 1 - 227.0 pounds.

Extra Stuff
Currently I'm on the Andy Warhol diet. I'm inspired by two great men: S. Vladmirov, "it's okay to feel hungry" and B. Covey, "nothing tastes as good as thin feels". Both of these guys have done impressive work to take control of their health, and I want to be like them.

Interesting Fact
I've made an important discovery about my relationship with food. The flavor is important, but what I crave is food that is satisfying. Most of the time I think I'd prefer a slice of buttered wonderbread over a gourmet salad. The salad wins in flavor, but the bread is satisfying. And that's what I crave. My favourite foods are all about the satisfaction factor - hamburgers, pizza, sandwiches, lasagna.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE POLAR BEARS?

2008-02-01T22:26:00.000-08:00

Our horrible Canadian government doesn't want pesky environmental scientists raising a stink about climate change. Fuck Stephen Harper.

BUT WHY NOT PARTY LIKE IT'S 1989

2007-11-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

Nothing brings the Christmas spirit home like the Green Curtains, and Silky White Sash.

BUT BEING REALLY REALLY FUNNY IS NO REASON TO BE REALLY REALLY MEAN

2007-10-05T18:35:00.000-07:00

"Tell your boyfriend that you're pregnant."

"Why?"

"So he'll propose to you. Whenever a guy finds out his girlfriend is preggers, he has to either marry her or convince her to get an abortion. But you can't get an abortion cause you're all Catholic and stuff. But you could get married and that's an awesome party that'll be really fun for me!"

"But what if I don't want to marry him?"

"Preggers can't be choosers!"

BUT I REALLY WANTED JONO TO CRY

2007-06-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

There's a sexy new gadget coming out around here on Friday, and I had convinced myself that I wasn't gonna get it. I've already got all the digital weaponry to manage my music and communications, so adding a fancy new toy to the mix wouldn't give me any new superpowers.

But I was thinking about it more, and about how it isn't just electronics, but also a geekboy status symbol. I thought how horrible it is that our possessions define us... But also that I've constantly been outdone by my buddies as I try to have the coolest stuff.

I got an iPod, Jodie got a video iPod. She was so smug about that.

My job gave me a 15" Powerbook. One month later Jono's on my couch with his 17" Powerbook.

I buy a hybrid bike: half mountain bike, half road bike. One season later, Robbie's riding a top-of-the-line road bike and Kevin's tricking on the world's best mountain bike.

I save up and get a 40" high-def TV. Tomorrow dad's getting his 52" 1080P LCD TV delivered.

So yeah, I'm foolishly competitive and the only winners of this game are savvy marketers who air commercials during The Daily Show, Corner Gas, and South Park. Anyway, I kept thinking about this sleek new device and how I wanted it - not so I could have it, but so I could outdo my asshole friends.

And then I realized that I was becoming Eric Cartman. This was like cold turkey. Immediately I decided that I didn't need an iPhone. Suck my balls Stan and Kyle!

BUT MATURE PEOPLE ARE BORING AND SOUTH PARK IS QUITE FUNNY

2007-06-13T01:17:00.000-07:00

I'm getting married in 30 days. But I'm still immature. The carpet in my apartment hasn't been vacuumed once this year. I swear. I lie. I eat taco bell for breakfast. I chew my fingernails. I get drunk and stupid at parties*. When I go to Target, I look at the legos but forget my groceries. When I go back to Target for groceries, I fill my red basket with Buffalo Ranch Doritos and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. There's old milk in my fridge right beside the new milk. I know which one to take because the new milk isn't yellow and oily. I think penis jokes are funny. If you ask me to do something I don't want to do, I'll say no. But if you want me to do something that's dangerous and stupid and you ask me in the form of a dare, I might say yes. I'm lazy. I don't respond to emails because it takes too much work. I'm thinking about dropping out of Netflix because it's too much work. I go to Seven-Eleven to contemplate the various candies. I'm thinking about taking up skateboarding again, but only I can find a deck with a sexy cartoon pin-up. I'm not thinking about taking up skateboarding because I still have to figure out where the local hospital is. I like South Park because I think the writing for Cartman is very smart. I can't read real books because I can't sit still long enough. I buy all my clothes in brown or green because brown is the new orange and green is the colour of the Roughriders. I cry when if football team gets eliminated from the playoffs. I don't like watching scary movies because they give me nightmares. I have a Cookie Monster sticker on my GameCube. I need to remind myself not to drink too much Pepsi late at night or it will keep me awake. I want a pet, but I don't think I can take care of a dog so I was trying to get Jodie to let me get a Roomba instead.

And call it Beepy.

Slacker Book Report

THE OVERLOOK by Michael Connelly

"we're all circling the drain"

Harry Bosch makes Jack Bauer look like a pretty boy

a quick audiobook - 6 hours unabridged

this book is too obsessed with names

listen to it for $20 on iTunes

BUT A BARREL OF MONKEYS HOLDS A LOT OF INK

2007-05-29T23:53:00.000-07:00

Fourty-five days of bachelorhood left! My man friends are preparing to sacrifice me to the fairer sex. And so I have prepared for them a list of my wild and crazy demands:

Beer pong
Tattoo ideas
One can of Crystal Pepsi*

BUT M&M's WON'T WORK BECAUSE THEY HAVE M's

2007-05-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

Reese's Roulette

Pour a box of smarties into a bowl
Add 2-3 Reese's pieces
Invite Michelle From, Melissa Ault and other peanut allergic friends over
Enjoy!

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BEER VOLCANO?

2007-05-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

I'm an atheist. But if somebody asks me about my faith, I'll tell them that I'm FSM and hopefully throw them off. Lots of people don't know what FSM is, so it's much less confontational than saying "I'm an atheist!". Coming out as an atheist is much scarier than coming out as a homo or as a black. When you come out as an atheist, people assume that:

You hate puppies

You think Jesus is a dirty hippy

You want the terrorists to win

You drive a Toyota Prius

I think my beliefs are well summarized in Sam Harris' book, Letter to a Christian Nation. It describes how atheists are actually moral people and how we rarely kick puppies*. Buy the book from Chapters or download the audiobook.

Finally, a timely quote from the book:

We read the Golden Rule and judge it to be a brilliant distillation of many of our ethical impulses. And then we come across another of God’s teachings on morality: if a man discovers on his wedding night that his bride is not a virgin, he must stone her to death on her father’s doorstep (Deuteronomy 22:13-21).

BUT ARE PIXIE STICKS BETTER WHEN SNORTED?

2007-05-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

You know what really annoys my lover? What bothers her to a huge degree? The thing that she totally cannot understand?

I always eat potato chips out of a bowl.

I've decided that my primitive monkey brain makes things taste better when they're presented in the optimal packaging. Hamburgers taste better off a barbeque, pepsi tastes better in a glass bottle, and pizza tastes best when the serving tray is raised 8" above the table.

So the other day I ate my chips out of a bowl, then rinsed out the bowl and put it back on the counter. Today I grabbed the bowl, replaced more delicious Lays chips and started to eat. Then I discovered how horribly gross and absolutely repulsive wet potato chips are. Ewww.

BUT I DIDN'T EVEN PLAY TAG OR TV TAG

2007-05-24T22:35:00.000-07:00

I get free food at work. But it's not just hotdogs and hamburgers and chickenburgers and cheeseburgers and bisonburgers and turkeyburgers. There's also lots of healthy and organic foods like salad and fish and curry and burritos and sushi and steak and vegan brownies.

I don't really dig the exotic foods that much - I'm a meat and potatoes kinda guy. But there is one funky thing I'll eat - shots of wheatgrass! It's grass that's been ground up into grass juice. It tastes sweet and smells like when you mow the lawn.

Anyway, today after lunch I was doing my daily shot of grass juice. And I must have been hyper or excited or clumsy or something 'cause when I went to do the shot I spilled some wheatgrass on my khaki shorts.

My shorts have a grass stain in them.

BUT I OMITTED THE STOMACH PUMP, THE BAPTISM, AND THE TABLE SQUATTING

2007-05-24T00:16:00.000-07:00

Back in March, Jodie picked out a wedding band for me to wear for eternity and brought it to me in Kelowna so I could decide if I liked it or not. I told her that it was nice, but it wasn't nice enough to wear for eternity so she should take it back and I'd pick one out when I was in Ontario in May. Well that was last weekend so Jodie took me to the ring store where the rings are and I picked out this sweet titanium ring with a thin band of shininess. Should be good enough for eternity so long as I don't accidentally swallow the fucker. She ordered it from the jeweller and it'll be ready in my size in a couple weeks. Once we left the store, Jodie tells me that the ring we just bought was the exact same one she brought me in March.

I had some Canadian friends also stranded in Smug San Francisco over a few times over the last month to watch the NHL Playoffs. We were hoping Ottawa would close out the Beefalo Sabres on Wednesday but it wasn't to be. The next game was Saturday, when I was in Ontario. But these friends of mine wanted to watch the game, and I'm the only guy who has CBC around here. When I left for Canada Thursday night, I decided to hide the key for them so they could come by and let themselves in to watch the game on Saturday night. So I'm sitting in Shrek 3 and my mobile phone alerts me to a new text message, Jesse, the key is not here. -Rob S.. So I spent the rest of my weekend in Ontario somewhat paranoid that I didn't do a good enough job hiding the key, and that some poor people came in and stole my Molson beer and my TV.

Jodie's family hosted a really sweet party for her and myself on Saturday night in Ontario. It was themed like Grey Cup 1989 because they're all Hamilton Tiger-Cats fans and they all really respect my 'Riders for winning that night. So they gave us some nice gifts, one of which was a giant card table set - a table and four chairs. It's a nice kit, totally something I asked for. But I was in Ontario and I was flying to Canada. Taking a table on an airplane is not good times. I got Jodie to drop me off at YYZ with the table. When I got to the checkin desk, they politely explained that there was a $35 charge since the table was oversize. They also politely explained that there was another $35 charge since the table was overweight. I didn't really have alternatives, so I paid the $70 to take the table with me. When I picked it up at SFO, the table's box was torn to shreds. I was in Park'n'Fly, so I had to get on an overly crowded bus with an oversize, overweight card table set. Happy travels! After changing a quick flat tire I got home and set it up, it's actually really nice and the fabric is sweet. Hopefully I can convince Jodie that we should get a couch that folds up the same way!

BUT ONTARIO ISN'T JUST SASKATCHEWAN WITH SQUIRRELS INSTEAD OF FIRE

2007-04-03T20:13:00.000-07:00

I'm coming to visit southwestern Ontario for 2½ days to get my bi-annual fix of waterlooness.

I'll arrive in Toronto on Friday May 17 at 6:40am
and depart to San Francisco on Sunday May 20 at 20:45pm

It's not a long trip but it should be an busy one. I've already got some planned activities:

sneaking out to give Jodie her well-earned birthday loving. This is the first time I'll be with her on her birthday since 2004!

celebrate the upcoming wedding with Jodie's family

yack with all the guys and yack about their wedding jobs
It'll be my last trip to Waterloo as a single guy so we'll have to be very careful not to get into any trouble at all. No trouble, definitely avoiding the temptation of Phil's nightclub. Definitely avoiding the fine Ontario alcohols. Definitely avoiding going insane and attacking squirrels and running around without pants. Definitely.

BUT THE TWO AND A HALF DAYS DOESN'T INCLUDE RECOVERY TIME

2007-03-31T16:19:00.000-07:00

I'm coming home to Regina for 2½ days to get my semiannual fix of prarieness.

I arrive in Regina on Friday April 27 at 10:22am
and depart to San Francisco on Sunday April 29 at 2:20pm

It's not a long trip but it should be an intense one. I've already got some ideas for activities:

beat Robbie at poker

help mom buy a new Mac

talk to all the guys and talk about their wedding jobs

It'll be my last trip to Regina as a single guy so we'll have to be very careful not to get into any trouble at all. No trouble, definitely avoiding the influence of Clayton Lawless. Definitely avoiding fine Saskatchewan alcohols. Definitely avoiding going crazy and lighting things on fire and running around without pants. Definitely.

BUT MY ASS IS PILLOWY SOFT SO FALLING ON IT TICKLES

2007-03-27T23:50:00.000-07:00

I went California snowboarding last weekend and it was quite fun. It was like 10 degrees and many of the people on the mountain were in t-shirts and shorts. Aside from a high-speed snowball fight*, I tried out the terrain park for the first time.

The sno-park has these giant boxes that you can ride down, about 18 inches wide and 12 feet long. Get on the box, ride down, jump off, enjoy your day. I sat down contemplating the box and watched lots and lots of kids and seamsters demonstrate this simple exercise and decided to give it a try myself. So I got on the box, and about halfway down, I fell onto my ass. But rather than stopping as per my expectation, I kept sliding down the box on my ass! I guess the box top is really really smooth, like teflon or something. And when I got to the box's end, instead of jumping off, I fell off and landed on my butt again. I got to drop on my butt twice within about 3 seconds. A beer helped to cure the pain, and I retried this feat about 8 more times without finding success, perhaps next season.

Regardless, I still have a tiny treasure. Some great mountain photographer managed to snap my picture at the peak of one of the terrain park jumps. Although I bailed hard afterwards, I think the picture proving I got air is prize enough.

This was a very good snowboarding season for me, and I'm really looking forward to getting out a lot in 2007-2008.

BUT SPORTS ARE HAZARDOUS EVEN ON THE Wii

2007-03-23T20:13:00.000-07:00

I heard Jono twisted his leg and now he has a cast that he's using as a way to meet pretty girls. He comes up to them and he's like, "Will you sign my cast?" and they're like, "Only if you take me out to dinner, you big sexy man!" and then Jono takes her out to dinner and they get married and have lots of babies.

I went snowboarding in Kelowna 2 weeks ago and I still have this huge black bruise on my ass. It's like the size of a twinkie, but there's no delicious cream or puss inside. Just black blood. Kelowna kicked so much ass I had the best time possible and I really want to go again as soon as I can. Here's some awesome pictures of the event: Jono is lazy, Kevin is kissy, Jesse is squinty, Jennifer is smiley, Mike is quick, Melissa is toobey, Jodie is croppy and Gram is beerey.

Today I rode my bike to work and on my way home I stopped at Subway restaurants for a deliciious tuna and mustard sub*. Unfortunately I forgot my bike lock and I needed to leave my bike outside the store while I ordered my sandwich. I was a bit extra paranoid because there were a lot of ganger-looking guys hanging around the taqueira next door. So I did the very wise thing and used my bike helmet to clip the front tire to the bike's frame. That way, somebody looking to ride away on my ride would have to first unclip, slowing them down by at least 2-3 seconds, and giving me plenty of time to run out of the restaurant and yell angry words at them as they sped away wearing a helmet. But fortunately for me, when I left the restaurant, the hoodlum-like characters were not stealing my bike because the Mountain View police department had already handcuffed them. They were sitting happily on the sidewalk while Mr. Cop and Mr. Officer looked through their trunk for incriminating drugs or illicit materials such as unreleased flavours of twinkie.

BUT 1080P IS THE GENTLEMAN'S CHOICE

2007-03-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

My new 40" TV isn't as big as Robbie's 42" TV. And it's not as big as Graham's 42" TV. I've already failed as a man.

BUT CALIFORNIA IS HARD TO DRAW AND SPELL

2007-01-21T16:23:00.000-08:00

One of my work buddies, Sasha, is full of entertaining complaints. On his own blog, you can read up on the shortfalls of crappy countries, open source, mustached journalists and of course politics. This weekend Sasha invited Jerome and myself up to the house he rented at Lake Tahoe for skiing.

I was expecting that skiing in California was going to be horrible. My reasoning was, "California is hot, therefore California cannot be cold." But the skiing here is surprising good. The mountains are gigantic and the snow is soft and fluffy. The weather is warm - about 2 degrees yesterday, and -5 today. I did a lot of boarding and I'm feeling fairly fast and confident on the hills.

Although I should be very happy that I now live so close to good ski mountains, I now have one fewer reason to tell people in California why Canada is the best place to live...

REASONS CANADA IS AWESOME
A GUIDE FOR CALIFORNIANS

~~Snowboarding and skiing~~
Poutine
~~The Saskatchewan Roughriders' star running back, Kenton Keith~~
~~A government I believe in~~
Delicious beer
Affordable housing

BUT IF I DIDN'T MOVE AWAY FOR A GEEKY JOB, EVERY MOMENT COULD BE THIS IMMATURE

2007-01-11T22:03:00.000-08:00

So I'm planning to go out and get boozed on the slopes at Big White in Kelowna this March. It's gonna be like March break, but cold and without as much a risk of STDs. We're heading up Friday March 9 and returning back to harsh reality on the 13th. That's three days of skiing, four days of drinking and a lifetime of memories.

Here's some things I miss from my university days that I'm hoping we can do during the trip:

pee my name in the snow
drinking games
arguing about capitalism/pop music/iPod/gatorade with Kevin
encouraging Jono to do things I don't think he should do. For example, this sentence may come in handy: "Jono, it's not like she's too young dude. She's 18 and she's totally legal. She can make up her own mind, and she'll be more attracted to you since you're a 'real man' with an impressive job and a sweet ride"
coming up with really dumb ideas, and then executing them with Gram's help
studying for the Stat 231 midterm
listening to sweet new indie punk bands from Gram's library
male nipple exposure
greasey breakfast
drinking way too much booze, forgetting how I got home, and then waking up beside Jodie.
"Baby, I'm just curious. Did we have sex last night?"
"No Jesse honey. You passed out just after I helped you take off my bra."
"Ok. I owe you one."

BUT AIRPORTS AREN'T FUN PLACES TO HANG OUT

2007-01-01T22:38:00.000-08:00

2006 was busy:
January:got engaged, got locked out of USA with my new fiance
Februrary: worked at Nike, interviewed at amazon.com & Google
March: Roadtrip with Jodie! Saw Jennifer in Vancouver, Graham in Kelowna, and Leanne & Dyana in Calgry.
April: Moved back in with mom and dad in Regina, drank with Robbie.
May: Moved to California, started the new job at Google
June: Found a new apartment. Got visted by Leanne, went to Alcatraz.
July: Got visited by Jennifer. Won a BC ski-trip! Got visited by Jodie, learned to surf!
August: Got visited by Mills, went to Family Values tour!
September: Went to Saskatchewan for mom & dad's 60th birthday. Got visited by Jono, went to transexual restaurant.
October: Went to Oktoberfest to drink with Graham, Jono & Kevin. Ate rhubarb pie at future mother-in-law's
November: Got visited by Jono. Went to Vancouver to see Roughriders lose in Western Division Final. Got visited by James, went to see the San Jose sharks.
December: Went to Calgary for Christmas, then back to California with mom & dad & Dyana

BUT MOVIE REVIEWS WHEN TIRED SENSE DOES NOT MAKE

2006-12-29T23:53:00.000-08:00

Last night after an intense day of touristing, Jodie and I came home to watch Sideways.

Synopsis: A week before his married, a guy and his buddy go on holiday, as a week-long bachelor outing. The engaged guy wants to hump a few random girls in before he's off the market. His buddy wants to drink wine and feel sorry for himself.

The problem I had with this movie was that I absolutely hated the main character - he was a total loser! He was a whiney, depressed, self-important useless person, and I had trouble empathising. When I watch movies with cool main characters - like Billy Madison and Anchorman, the lead is so damn cool it's hard to not enjoy the movie! For example, in Anchorman, the dog speaks Spanish. That's awesome! And there's a penguin in Billy Madison, which has recently inspired several penguin-focused movies like March of the Penguins, Happy Feet, and even Batman Returns.

The other problem with Sideways was that the cool character was not faithful to his future wife! And he was cool! What kind of bad example are they trying to set for we young fiancés? Especially since I was watching the movie with Jodie. I mean, I was supposed to be like, "Man, that guy's a total uncool jerk person" but the movie made him look so cool. He might as well have been smoking a cigarette the whole movie, he was that likeable.

BUT CALGRY IS MOSTY SASKATCHEWAN PEOPLE ANYWAY

2006-12-21T08:58:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to Regina for Christmas this year. My family is gonna meet up in Calgry, since it's the geographic center of my family. Therefore I present my top seven things I'm going to miss:
7 Inviting myself over to Chernick's to get my ass kicked at boardgames
6 Accidentally breaking Robbie's car, house or computer
5 Going to the Travelodge off-sale ten minutes after the LB closes
4 Playing the concentration game with the marble at the science center
3 Being nagged by Clayton to go to Kenosee for the best New Years party ever
2 Going to Something4U to pay the new owners a social visit
1 Rob Schneider movies on Christmas day

But Calgry isn't all bad! I'm excited to see my mom & dad, and there's lots of other features to Canada's Oil-loving city:

In San Francisco, if you drive a Toyota Prius hybrid, random people in minivans and station wagons will tell you that they admire your commitment to the environment. But in Calgary, people in Hummer2s and Hummer1s tell people Hummer3s the same thing.

My absolute favourite moose in the whole wide world is imprisoned at Calgry Zoo. I might be able to convince mom and dad that we should visit said Moose.

Snowboarding is awesome. Arguably better than the snowboarding in Regina and San Francisco combined!

Cowtown now has a bunch of delicious Western Pizza restaurants. Yum!